1. Cultivating hope
2. Practicing critical awareness
3. Letting go of numbing and taking the edge off vulnerability, discomfort, and pain

Hope and Powerlessness

As a researcher, I can't think of two words that are more misunderstood than the words hope and power. As soon as I realized that hope is an important piece of Wholehearted living, I started investigating and found the work of C. R. Snyder, a former researcher at the University of Kansas, Lawrence. Like most people, I always thought of hope as an emotion-like a warm feeling of optimism and possibility. I was wrong.

I was shocked to discover that hope is not an emotion; it's a way of thinking or a cognitive process. Emotions play a supporting role, but hope is really a thought process made up of what Snyder calls a trilogy of goals, pathways, and agency. In very simple terms, hope happens when

• We have the ability to set realistic goals (I know where I want to go).
• We are able to figure out how to achieve those goals, including the ability to stay flexible and develop alternative routes (I know how to get there, I'm persistent, and I can tolerate disappointment and try again).
• We believe in ourselves (I can do this!).

So, hope is a combination of setting goals, having the tenacity and perseverance to pursue them, and believing in our own abilities.

And, if that's not news enough, here's something else: Hope is learned! Snyder suggests that we learn hopeful, goal-directed thinking in the context of other people. Children most often learn hope from their parents. Snyder says that to learn hopefulness, children need relationships that are characterized by boundaries, consistency, and support. I think it's so empowering to know that I have the ability to teach my children how to hope. It's not a crapshoot. It's a conscious choice.

To add to Snyder's work on hope, I found in my research that men and women who self-report as hopeful put considerable value on persistence and hard work. The new cultural belief that everything should be fun, fast, and easy is inconsistent with hopeful thinking. It also sets us up for hopelessness. When we experience something that is difficult and requires significant time and effort, we are quick to think, This is supposed to be easy; it's not worth the effort, or, This should be easier: it's only hard and slow because I'm not good at it. Hopeful self-talk sounds more like, This is tough, but I can do it.

On the other hand, for those of us who have the tendency to believe that everything worthwhile should involve pain and suffering (like yours truly), I've also learned that never fun, fast, and easy is as detrimental to hope as always fun, fast, and easy. Given my abilities to chase down a goal and bulldog it until it surrenders from pure exhaustion, I resented learning this. Before this research I believed that unless blood, sweat, and tears were involved, it must not be that important. I was wrong. Again.

We develop a hopeful mind-set when we understand that some worthy endeavors will be difficult and time consuming and not enjoyable at all. Hope also requires us to understand that just because the process of reaching a goal happens to be fun, fast, and easy doesn't mean that it has less value than a difficult goal. If we want to cultivate hopefulness, we have to be willing to be flexible and demonstrate perseverance. Not every goal will look and feel the same. Tolerance for disappointment, determination, and a belief in self are the heart of hope.

As a college professor and researcher, I spend a significant amount of time with teachers and school administrators. Over the past two years I've become increasingly concerned that we're raising children who have little tolerance for disappointment and have a strong sense of entitlement, which is very different than agency. Entitlement is "I deserve this just because I want it" and agency is "I know I can do this." The combination of fear of disappointment, entitlement, and performance pressure is a recipe for hopelessness and self-doubt.

Hopelessness is dangerous because it leads to feelings of powerlessness. Like the word hope, we often think of power as negative. It's not. The best definition of power comes from Martin Luther King Jr. He described power as the ability to effect change. If we question our need for power, think about this: How do you feel when you believe that you are powerless to change something in your life?

Powerlessness is dangerous. For most of us, the inability to effect change is a desperate feeling. We need resilience and hope and a spirit that can carry us through the doubt and fear. We need to believe that we can effect change if we want to live and love with our whole hearts.

Excerpted from The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown


The Gifts of Imperfection
Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

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Accessing Taking Stock and Reflecting on Addictive Behavior
by William Cope Moyers

In early Twelve Step recovery, people are encouraged to tell their story as a way to openly and honestly acknowledge their powerlessness over their addiction. As they work the Steps, this story unfolds further when they take stock of themselves and their behavior. A journal can be a valuable tool in this reflective and introspective process because it helps you acknowledge and accept these truths, without judgment. Recording your history in a journal better prepares you to interact honestly with others in peer recovery groups, and with your family and friends.

Keeping a journal makes particular sense for those who participate in Twelve Step recovery programs. Letting go, “turning over” what you cannot change, changing what you can, acknowledging your weaknesses, and celebrating your strengths are all important aspects of Twelve Step recovery. A journal is a safe place where you can record those changes, let go of your fears, and express confusion, anger, doubt, remorse, and joy. A journal is a constant friend that accepts your negative and positive feelings unconditionally. It is also a place where you can describe and track your emotional and spiritual progress. When you look back, you will be able to see patterns in the way you react to life’s challenges.

[What follows is a five-day introduction to recovery and writing about it. Each day presents ways you can make your living environment safe so that you can focus on working the Twelve Steps of recovery.]

Day 1
Create a Safe Space

Your first recovery action step is to “trash your stash”: clear your living environment of every last bit of alcohol or other drugs. Get rid of any materials (posters, music, shot glasses, phone numbers of using friends) that remind you of drinking or using. Don’t do this alone. Ask your spouse, partner, sober friend, or supportive family member for help.

You might be tempted to save part of your stash. Realize that this thinking will set you up for certain failure. Get rid of all your stash, and trust that you can let go of the need to control your life by using substances.

Write down the name of a sober person you can trust. Contact this person and schedule a time within the next twenty-four hours to meet to get rid of your stash. It’s hard, but you can do it.

Day 2
Find a Local Twelve Step Meeting

Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Narcotics Anonymous (NA) Twelve Step meetings offer a fellowship where recovering people share their experience, strength, and hope. Going to Twelve Step meetings is especially important during the first year of recovery. You, like many others, may feel isolated and lonely, as though you don’t belong anywhere. Using alcohol or other drugs probably made that alienation even worse. What is the best cure for loneliness? Friendship. When you make a connection with others in Twelve Step groups, your feeling of loneliness will fall away. If you have a problem, question, or experience you don’t understand, you can turn to a fellow group member for help.

Use the Internet or your local phone book to find a Twelve Step meeting in your area. Make a commitment to go to a meeting during the next twenty-four hours, and plan to go at least once a week. Write down the address of the meeting and the day and time you will attend.

Describe any fears or doubts you have about how the Twelve Step program can help you. Even if you are doubtful, make a commitment to go to a meeting this week with an open mind. When will you attend a meeting this week?

Day 3
Find a Sponsor

Twelve Step recovery is based on the idea that healing begins when you become willing to share your story with another person. In early recovery, the first person you share with is called a sponsor. When you find a sponsor, you will have a special person who can listen to your story with attentive ears and an understanding heart.

Your sponsor will support, challenge, and help you in times of crisis. He or she will guide you through your Twelve Step work. It is not a sponsor’s job to keep you sober or take the place of a trained counselor; it is your sponsor’s job to hold you accountable and assist you in building a healthy lifestyle.

When you attend your first Twelve Step meeting, make sure you don’t leave without finding a temporary sponsor is your same gender. A few people in your meeting will likely offer to be your temporary sponsor, but make sure you ask for help if you need it.

Your temporary sponsor will help guide you through the first few weeks or months of recovery. After you get to know people in your meeting better, you may choose a different sponsor who fits your needs better. But right now, make sure you find a temporary sponsor.

Write the name and phone number of that person..[in your journal].. Program his or her phone number into your cell phone or keep it in your wallet. Describe how you feel about having someone to help you with recovery.

Day 4
Understand the Science of Addiction

Research has shown that addiction is not a matter of an individual’s strength, moral character, willpower, or weakness. It has to do with brain chemistry and the way your brain is wired. When you use alcohol or other drugs, your bloodstream quickly carries powerful, feel-good chemicals called neurotransmitters to your brain, causing you to feel high. This feeling was so pleasurable that you wanted to repeat it again and again.

Eventually your body got used to the drug and needed more in order to feel high. Eventually your brain stopped producing feel-good neurotransmitters on its own. Ordinary things like good food, a sunny day, or making a friend laugh no longer made you happy. Your body had become a hostage to the drug, and you could not feel happy--or even normal--without it.

Your body was chemically out of balance, and your need to use was more powerful than your best intentions to quit. Because you couldn’t quit, your drug use became progressively worse.

Can you relate to this description of how addiction progresses? Take a few minutes to reflect on your first use of alcohol or other drugs. How did your drug use progress? When did you notice that you needed the drug just to feel normal?

Day 5
Plan Your Day

In early recovery, you cannot be around any mood-altering substances. To stay safe, you will need to plan your day to avoid all people, places, and things that could cause you to use alcohol or other drugs. It’s extremely important for you to stay away from bars or other places that remind you of using.

Don’t fool yourself into thinking you can drink or use like your nonaddicted friends. You can’t. Your brain is wired differently. Walking into a bar or meeting your using friends at a park is a “slippery slope” that will lead right back to drug use. Nonaddicts can have one drink and go home. For addicts, one drink can easily turn into ten.

Think about the slippery places where you previously used alcohol or other drugs. Did you use when you were home alone? With friends? First thing after waking up in the morning? At concerts? Before or during a date? After payday?

List these slippery places and make a commitment to avoid them at all costs. Instead of going to a bar or over to a using friend’s house, write out a plan to go to a Twelve Step meeting, connect with a sober friend, or go to a coffee shop or a bookstore.

Excerpted from A New Day, A New Life by William Cope Moyers, with Jodie Carter
 

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How Alcoholics Anonymous Got Its Name

According to Pass It On: The Story of Bill Wilson and How the A.A. Message Reached the World, "Bill always said that more than 100 titles were considered for the book." Among those considered were "One Hundred Men," "The Empty Glass," "The Dry Way," "The Dry Life," "Dry Frontiers," "The Way Out, " and "The Bill W. Movement."

In her memoir Lois Remembers, Lois Wilson tells us that, since "100 or so members had been sober for two or three years . . . the name '100 Men' seemed appropriate until one woman, Florence, joined the group and objected." She adds that "'The Way Out' was popular for a while, but Bill thought it trite," and that Bill once wanted to call the book "The Wilson Movement" and to sign it as author. 

Bill Wilson believed that Joe W., a New Yorker writer, was the one who conceived the title Alcoholics Anonymous in October 1938. There is, however, a July 18, 1938, letter from Dr. Richards of Johns Hopkins showing that Bill was, at that time, already using this as the working title of the book and, perhaps, also as the name of the Fellowship. Though "thinking up titles for the book was a great game," according to Lois Wilson, "the New York group had [already] labeled itself a nameless bunch of drunks," so "Alcoholics Anonymous" was quite fitting.

According to biographer Susan Cheever, the top choices were "The Way Out" and "Alcoholics Anonymous." Cheever confirms Lois's belief that Bill "was overwhelmingly in favor of the latter, but he knew his enthusiastic endorsement sometimes backfired among his members."

According to Pass It On,

The choices quickly boiled down to "The Way Out," favored by a majority in Akron, and "Alcoholics Anonymous," preferred by most in New York. When a vote was taken in the two groups, "The Way Out" prevailed by a bare majority. . . . [Bill Wilson] asked Fitz, who lived near Washington, D.C., to check titles in the Library of Congress. . . . Fitz is supposed to have replied by telegram to the effect that the Library of Congress had 25 books entitled "The Way Out," 12 entitled "The Way," and none called "Alcoholics Anonymous." That settled the matter; nobody wanted to struggle with the burden of being simply another "way out."

Niles Peebles, author of Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers, quotes Bill Wilson saying that the biblical Book of James was read each morning by Dr. Bob's wife, Anne, and notes that "the Book of James was a favorite with early A.A.'s—so much so that 'The James Club' was favored by some as a name for the Fellowship."

Bill Wilson came to think of the battle over the title as "a big brouhaha" that was taking up too much of his time, so he quietly kept to the title Alcoholics Anonymous. Dr. Bob seems to have agreed with Bill,  according to a member named John, who observes that another member named Wally grew "sore" when learning that Bill and Dr. Bob had already settled on the name while others were still arguing about it. A member named Elgie similarly reports that

Doc and Bill would sashay around and never say a word. They'd ooze in and out of situations and let everybody just fight tooth and nail. All the while, it was going to be a certain way, and that was it. When they announced it, everybody would accept it, and that was the end of it. But in the meantime, the other A.A.'s thought they had something to say about it and they would fight battles galore.8

The protracted battle over the title yields some irony since, as we will see, the name "Big Book" was soon to be coined and preferred among members of the Fellowship.

Excerpted from The Book That Started It All: The Original Working Manuscript of Alcoholics Anonymous.

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