In recovery from alcoholism and other compulsive behaviors, as in other areas of life, words sometimes get in the way. At first glance, labels such as "codependent" or concepts like "letting go" or "self-help" might strike us as mysterious or even meaningless. But if we dip beneath the surface of language and into the philosophy and context that support the words, we might gain a better understanding of why people behave as they do and what relevance these behaviors have in our own lives.

Take the term "codependent," for instance. Melody Beattie is one of several authors who popularized this word when she published her best-selling book Codependent No More in 1987. On the surface, the word "codependent" may seem innocuous, even positive. After all, being sensitive to another's feelings, helping and nurturing others, or caring about what others think are qualities we admire and try to embrace. But taken to extreme, these behaviors become pathologies. Beattie says that codependents are people who become so obsessed with other people's feelings and behaviors that they lose sight of what they themselves are feeling or how they are acting.

Beattie expands her discussion of codependency in her recent book Playing It by Heart. "Most things that good codependents do are normal behaviors that most people do. But we take them over the edge," writes Beattie. She originally applied the term to people who were in relationships with addicts--people who tried to control or change the behavior of their loved ones to such a degree that they lost all sense of healthy boundaries and instead took on the burden and responsibility for someone else's life. Codependents, says Beattie, control in the name of love and like to play God. Codependents live other people's lives to the detriment of their own lives. Giving up this illusion of control is an integral step in achieving a healthy balance in relationships. So many readers resonated with Beattie's groundbreaking ideas that Codependent No More remained on The New York Times best-seller list for three years.

"Codependency can help other people stay sick and trapped in diseases, such as drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling, or their own fears. And it can really make us mad," writes Beattie in Playing It by Heart. "Most people are involved with people who have problems because most people have some issues or troubles they're trying either to escape or resolve. When we're sinking in quicksand because everyone we're trying to help is sinking too and pulling us under and we're waiting for someone to come and rescue us, that's untreated codependency."

Letting go of what we cannot control and taking charge of those matters for which we are appropriately responsible are major themes in life in general and in recovery specifically. Millions of people meet with others in Twelve Step groups throughout the world to practice living more balanced lives.

Lives change and so do words. What was once called "self-help" is now referred to as "mutual-help" to more accurately reflect the reciprocity that takes place at Twelve Step meetings. Again, it's all about balance. People who are recovering from addiction or other addictive behaviors learn that they can't recover alone just as they learn others can't recover for them. The idea is to lighten the load by sharing the burden, to discover the joy in unconditional giving and receiving.

For all their wonder, there is a limit to what words can do, especially when we struggle to describe the complexities of human feelings, tendencies, frailties and failures. Sometimes we have to dig deeper into meaning or listen more attentively to what someone is trying to express. Often the message to be gleaned lies between the lines of the words we choose to convey it.

--Published February 14, 2000