For people in recovery from alcoholism, holidays can be a threat to sobriety. In fact, the pressures of forced conviviality and family reunions can send any of us into mood swings.

Flip on the television during December and we're likely to find scene after scene of domestic bliss: families gathered around glittering trees, enjoying gentle conversation and a warm fire. Before Bob N., a recovering alcoholic, stopped drinking, he measured his own experiences against that ideal and constantly found them wanting. He remembers feeling a sense of loss around this fact and medicating his grief with alcohol.

Today the holidays have a different flavor for Bob. Though he still experiences tension with his family, he uses the holiday season to renew his Twelve Step program and practice new tools for managing conflict. Two of those tools are awareness and planning -- principles that help let go of unrealistic expectations, acknowledge spiritual traditions, and identify safe holiday customs. The following suggestions underlie those principles:

Seek sober fellowship. If you're in recovery, plan to connect with an AA sponsor or sober friend during the holidays. Also, consider starting a new holiday tradition by throwing an alcohol-free party for friends, or attend a special AA holiday event. At this time of year, some recovering people find it tempting to let their program slide. It can pay to do just the opposite by giving more attention to the Twelve Steps and attending extra meetings.

Bring your own. You might feel awkward arriving at a party where alcoholic drinks dominate the beverage selection. Prevent this dilemma by bringing your own non-alcoholic drinks. It's not recommended, however, to show up with non-alcoholic beers or wines. The drinking ritual paired with the smell and taste of alcohol can trigger a desire to drink. Responsible party hosts will recognize that holiday celebrations don't have to center on alcoholic drinks and that good cheer can be achieved by offering a range of attractive non-alcoholic beverages.

Take holidays one day at a time. Most holidays officially last only 24 hours. It helps to approach them in exactly that light. If the thought of abstaining from alcohol or other drugs for the whole season seems unbearable, take it one day at a time.

Reconsider family gatherings. People in early recovery might do well to opt out of family gatherings, especially when they center on drinking. Another option is to attend but take periodic breaks to call a sponsor or sober friend. Also, plan to drive your own car so you can leave at any time you choose.

Release resentments. Resentment has been described as allowing a person you dislike to live in your head, rent-free. The people we resent tend to dominate our thinking and feeling -- a fact that does nothing to resolve our conflict with them. Resentments that gain steam during the holidays can be disastrous for anyone, especially recovering people. The book Alcoholics Anonymous refers to resentment as the No. 1 offender, the most common factor in failed sobriety. When we notice our own resentments, we can remind ourselves of their power and talk to someone in recovery about coping with them.

Return the holidays to a spiritual base. Drinking and drugging derive their power by delivering a counterfeit spirituality. Using chemicals can create the illusion of self-transcendence and intimacy with others. We can taste the real thing by reminding ourselves of the spiritual basis of the holidays. Most religious traditions stress the power of unselfish giving, and this is a spiritual practice that all of us can cherish during the holidays.

--Published December 6, 1999