The scene at Mark and Linda's house was a familiar one as friends and family gathered to watch a weekend football game. The snacks were out, the coffee was on, the keg was tapped, and everyone seemed to be enjoying a carefree autumn afternoon. As the party progressed, however, Mark's brother Joe became noticeably intoxicated -- another scene that had become all too familiar.

Joe's voice and laughter rose above the other voices, his words slurred, and then he stumbled, spilling his beer on the just-cleaned carpet. Guests soon started leaving, gathering jackets and children in hasty retreat. Finally, Joe's wife was able to convince him that they, too, should get going. As the last guests departed, Linda noticed their six-year-old daughter Molly sitting quietly in the corner, looking a little frightened and rocking her doll tightly to her chest. She was scared and confused about her uncle's behavior.

According to Kay Provine, a prevention specialist at Hazelden and codeveloper of the Roots and Wings: Raising Resilient Children" parenting skills program, Linda was just given a prime teachable moment"-a moment when children are most ready to learn. These moments can be big or small anytime something happens to a child that triggers confusion, curiosity or conflict.

Don't assume children aren't picking up on something just because they don't bring it up themselves," said Provine. "Children might not know how to broach a subject, but that doesn't mean they don't know something is going on. They know."

Provine suggests that parents open a door to conversation with something like, Uncle Joe was really loud this afternoon, wasn't he? It kind of scares me when he gets like that." By expressing their own discomfort, parents convey to children that reactions such as concern, embarrassment, fear or disgust are all appropriate and understandable feelings. "And ask the children what they think about it," said Provine.

This is also a good prevention technique," said Provine, because parents communicate that behavior like Uncle Joe's is not acceptable. "You don't want to overload them with information or scare them, but you can talk about health issues. Say something such as, When you drink too much alcohol you lose control sometimes and behave in ways you wouldn't if you weren't drinking.' " The important thing is to tell the truth. "You might elect to keep some things from them, but that isn't the same as lying."

There is power in naming things for what they are, added Provine. "Younger children can be told that Uncle Joe has a drinking problem. Older kids can be told he may have a disease called alcoholism and that he might need help. Reassure them by telling them it's not okay for Uncle Joe or anyone else to be belligerent or scare other people in your home, and let them know that you will figure out what needs to be done to prevent such scenes in the future."

That's the key about the teachable moment with Uncle Joe," said Provine. "It's a vehicle to communicate the message: I don't want this to happen to you.' "

Provine said it's important to deliver such messages to kids at an early age and to repeat prevention messages as they grow older. "Even when they roll their eyes, they hear you," said Provine. She said that research shows that young people do care what their parents think, and those who get the message to not use stay abstinent longer and abuse drugs and alcohol less frequently than those who have not had conversations with their parents about the dangers of drugs and alcohol.

There are a number of resources available for parents who might find it difficult to launch such talks with their children. An Elephant in the Living Room and My Dad Loves Me, My Dad has a Disease are just a few books for young children that can be a catalyst for rich discussions. Parenting for Prevention and What to Say or Do . . . From Diapers to Diploma are two others. For more information on these and other Hazelden prevention resources, go to www.hazelden.org/bookstore or call 800-328-9000.

--Published January 28, 2002