The Voice Fall 2011 Highlights
Slogans and Self-Talk for Recovering People
I'd rather be a cause of the future than
a result of the past
by John MacDougall
There are many things about my life that I didn't like.
I didn't like being a battered child.
I didn't like riding in the car as a child for days at a time in complete silence on family vacations because my parents were fighting.
I didn't like the two-quart green Rubbermaid pitcher of martinis in the refrigerator that seemed to be the rocket fuel for the family fights.
I don't like the physical symptoms of being beaten that persist to this day.
I don't like the nightmares.
I don't like the fact that I had a happy houseful this past Christmas with nine people--wife, daughters, sons-in-law, grandchildren--without an unkind word spoken, and with genuine love and affection. Why didn't I like it? Because the ghosts of Christmas past still are stronger in me than the realities of Christmas present. Everyone else had a fine time, and I looked as if I did, but the joy is still limited by the past.
This year, it's only Christmas that is still damaged by the past. That has hung on to this day. From being in my recovery program, and having a Higher Power, I am mostly out from under the tyranny of the past. This has, at times, required a determined and willful refusal to pay attention to my past, and required a stubborn focus on what I actually want for my present and my future.
As long as I think of my life as being a result of the past, it probably will not change. It won't change because the past will not change. In the summer of 2001, I wrote in this space, "Forgiveness is giving up hope for a better past." I need to accept that my past happened exactly the way it did.
Then I considered the opposite of being a result of the past, and decided to try being a cause of the future rather than the result of the past. I started to behave in the opposite way to my former behavior, just to see what the results would be.
I had avoided touching people, because all touch had been bad. One day, in a hospital corridor, I saw a female friend. She said, "Oh, good. You're here. I need a hug." My first instinct was to give a flimsy excuse and run away. I didn't give hugs. But I turned toward her and pantomimed a hug. She didn't notice that I was as rigid as I could be, and she went away happy. I thought, "Huh, I can do this."
I had felt incapable of many things. I took Emergency Medical Technician training to get a sense of mastery over injuries. Shortly after qualifying, I got out of the ambulance at the scene of a major auto accident. Outside, I looked for an authority figure, and went up to a policeman. He said, "Don't look at me--we called YOU!" Not long after, a sense of confidence followed.
Now, I'm 60 years old. With the rest of my life, I'm going for impact…to cause positive change in the future, rather than simply heal from the past. To cause positive change, we have to have a purpose. I like the "primary purpose" statement from Narcotics Anonymous: "that no addict, anywhere, need die from the horrors of addiction," (Narcotics Anonymous, 5th ed., page xv).
Having found a path to sobriety and healing in fellowship with God and our recovering friends, we can be a cause of a future "happy destiny" (to quote AA) for the alcoholic and addict who still suffers today.
John A. MacDougall, DMin, is the director of Spiritual Guidance at Hazelden in Center City, Minn.
The Voice, Spring 2010
