Author and speaker Joanna V. Hunter uses her own background as a survivor of abuse to offer guidance to women experiencing physical or emotional abuse in their relationships. In this excerpt, she walks the reader through the difficult first steps of recognizing and defining the problem, and seeking help.

Your Road to Healing

Where Do I Start?
To create a life of peace and joy, we must face the facts and acknowledge the truth of our situations. For me, it meant admitting that I was in an abusive relationship, identifying the network of lies my partner had created, and understanding the components of domestic abuse. I had to stop blaming myself for my partner's behavior and hold him responsible. I had to face the fact that there are people in this world who will use cruel tactics to manipulate someone who loves them to get what they want. I had to learn to trust my instincts again. As a parent, I had to learn to model better self-care and relationship skills. Over time, I transcended the past and cast off the labels of "victim" and "survivor." Now I am a woman who spent a small percentage of her life in an abusive relationship. This part of my past doesn't influence my future.

A Note About Labels: Recognizing yourself as a victim is an important first step in recovering from domestic abuse. Then you move on to understanding you are a survivor, a person who has the power to survive in a horrid situation. These labels serve a purpose in the beginning of our healing journey, but we don't want to embrace the labels or let them define who we are. As we begin to heal, we will eventually see the abuse as one period in our lives, something that happened to us, but it is not who we are. So with time and work, labels fall away. Otherwise we spend the rest of our lives seeing ourselves as damaged. We are not damaged. We are strong and capable.

How do you begin seeing the truth of your own situation? Reading and working through this book is a good first step. It will help you recognize the negative thinking and self-talk that is keeping you stuck. If you want your situation to change, you have to take action. If this was your first experience with an abusive partner, and the relationship was short-term, this book can open your eyes to the abuser's intention and manipulating behavior. But He'll Change and your circle of family and friends could be enough to help you avoid future relationships with dangerous partners. However, if abusive partners have been your steady diet or you have invested years of your life in a relationship with an abuser, I recommend therapy. Abusive relationships can leave you disheartened and devastated that the relationship did not work out as you had hoped. It helps to have a therapist explore these feelings with you.

This book should not take the place of a therapist. It should support, not replace, the work you do in therapy. Use it as an additional tool to reinforce what you learn in your sessions and to help you between visits--during those weak moments when the old life, where you knew the score, is tugging at you. Old habits make deep grooves in our lives. Filling in those grooves and making new ones takes time and effort.

Therapy--Group and Individual
If you decide to see a therapist, be sure he or she is trained in treating victims of domestic violence. The women's shelter in your area or your doctor can refer you to a group or individual that is a trained professional. If money is a problem, ask for a referral to someone who charges on a sliding scale, such as those at a social service organization. There may also be free peer-based support groups through the domestic abuse service agency. A facilitator, not a therapist, would lead this group. I hope you will be open to trying whatever is available and affordable. Have the courage to walk away from any treatment that is not working. Don't be discouraged if it takes some time to find the right place to receive the help you need. You are worth the time and effort.

I found group therapy enormously helpful in my recovery. Hearing others' stories helped me to understand my own. The other group members brought up questions I didn't know to ask. Since we were all in different stages of healing, it helped to see how those who were beyond my stage navigated through the pain. I learned two important lessons in group therapy: to extend to myself the grace and tenderness that I felt toward the other women, and that I could trust my gut feelings.

I also spent time in individual therapy to address my specific issues. It was critical to my healing.

If you won't see a therapist because you are afraid that you will have to give up your partner, let me say again, you won't. A good therapist won't tell you what to do but rather will work with you in the framework of your choices without passing judgment on you.

A therapist's job is to flip on lights along your path so you can better see and understand the dynamics and patterns of your relationship. When you come to a fork in the road, a therapist shines a light in each direction to clarify what may lie ahead. He or she will help you examine your choices and options, and talk about how to deal with them. Then you decide what direction to take. He or she will help you explore the "bungee cords" that keep yanking you back into an unhappy relationship. If you decide to leave, your therapist will give you the tools to sever those cords so you can move on with your life. Only you can choose your life path. It is work, but the work is worth it.... I know; I've done it.

I hope that the first therapist you see will be the right one for you, but just like any working relationship, you may have to try a few until you find the one that clicks with you.

There are some red flags about therapists. If you aren't feeling some relief within a few weeks, try a different therapist. Be cautious of those who are quick to offer medications. Often the same results can occur through talk therapy. If your therapist recommends having intimate contact or a sexual relationship with him or her to learn to trust again--run. Feeling attracted to your therapist isn't unusual, but a therapist with ethics will never participate in or suggest physical contact or a sexual encounter. Report any inappropriate behavior to your state medical society or licensing board.

The Work Ahead, and Healing, Takes Work
In a world of instant gratification, it may be overwhelming to look at long-term work. I remember wanting someone to take care of me. I didn't want to be responsible for providing a roof over the heads of my children and me. I wanted to ride on someone else's coattail. He would be the knight in shining armor, caring, providing for the family, and fighting my battles. I wanted a life of ease. That's not what life is about. Life--your life, just like my life--is long-term work. What your life becomes is totally up to you. You can put off the tough stuff, or you can plunge through it and onto the right track--the one that leads to healthy relationships.

Giving up what you have is frightening. You love him. When you picture yourself without him, you see a horrifying scene. Think about the special toy or blanket you had as a child, the one you carried everywhere. Remember how you couldn't sleep without it tucked under your arm? When it was lost, you felt the whole world was crumbling around you. Remember how anxious or hysterical you were and that horrid pain in your stomach from fear that your precious toy was gone forever? You cried until it was found. Where is that toy today? Chances are, it was discarded years ago or tucked away in a keepsake box. You grew out of it. You no longer need it because you've matured beyond that stage of your life. The same thing will happen with this painful relationship. You'll lay it aside and move on to a new and higher level of self-confidence.

It will take hard work to rebuild your life. You know what hard work is. Look at the effort you have put into your relationship. You are a victim, but you are also a survivor. You know what it takes to make it through each day. A therapist or your local women's shelter will help you develop a support and security system and guide you through the legal system, if necessary.

Excerpted from But He'll Change by Joanna V. Hunter. Hunter is a popular speaker, volunteer, and trainer on domestic violence who works with victims and those who serve them. Her work is informed by her experience as a survivor of abuse.


But He'll Change: End the Thinking That Keeps You in an Abusive Relationship

Softcover, 248 pages

He loves me. He has a really sweet side. I am all he has. If only his boss wouldn't put him under so much stress. At least he doesn't hit me. He won't do it again. I can't do anything right.

In this compassionate book, Joanna V. Hunter helps women face, head on, the excuses they tell themselves that keep them in abusive relationships. Using expert advice complemented by her story and the stories of dozens of other women who have survived and turned away from domestic violence, Hunter teaches women to identify the lies they've accepted, understand what healthy thinking sounds like, stop taking the blame for their partner's behavior, identify power and control plays, stick up for their own needs, and plan for their safety.

With each self-defeating message addressed in But He'll Change, Hunter offers counter messages designed to help women build strength and hope. Readers will develop the tools to operate not as victims, but as survivors, understanding the power that they hold to change their lives.

List Price: $14.95
Online Price: $13.45

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Author and researcher Tracy Stecker, Ph.D., addresses issues of PTSD and substance abuse in her work with returning soldiers and victims of other traumas. In this excerpt, Stecker profiles Ren, an adult victim of childhood physical and sexual abuse. Ren tells the story of her trauma and recovery in her own words.

Victim of Abuse: Ren's Story

Before Trauma: The Traveling Salesman
Ren says her earliest memories involved her father. She remembers him holding her in a rocking chair to soothe away an earache. She also remembers him laughing at something she said, but it was unclear whether he was laughing at or with her. The look on her face suggests she is still confused about the incident. She sits in a chair with her arms crossed and looks out the window into the woods. Her thoughts feel far away as she talks about her childhood personality. She describes herself as watchful, quiet, the kind of child who liked to blend into the background and observe those around her. In seeing her sitting in that chair, you could almost imagine her as a little girl. She blends in without calling attention to herself. She says she was part of the world, more or less, until her father attended to her. At those moments, she was special. "But I could never quite figure out how to consistently be special. There seemed some diaphanous line between special and abhorrent that was hard to predict."

When he decided I was special, he would tell people that I was his daughter and that I was smart. Beautiful. He would wear a proud smile on his face that seemed to indicate that he meant every single word. His eyes would shine with love. My father was a traveling salesman and would be gone on trips for many weeks of the year. Whenever he returned from a trip, he would bring a present for me. I remember one time in particular he came home after spending two weeks in Paris. He brought me a music box. It was about the size of my hand, and when you opened the lid, you could see the wheel turning for the music to play. There was a little section that would hold something small. Maybe a ring or a necklace. Perhaps a coin. The picture on the top of the music box was a puppy. A little beagle puppy. I remember cherishing that music box. When I would open it and listen to the music and see the red felt inside and the wheel turning, I believed in magic and love. Touching that music box allowed me to touch the feeling of love. Someone in the world loved me, and this box was an actual concrete expression of that love.

My mother did not receive gifts from my father and held these treasures in great contempt. My father would sometimes bring home gifts that were impractical. My brother, for example, would get a shirt typically worn in India. This was not a shirt he could get away with actually wearing in our small town. A ten-year-old boy couldn't wear that type of shirt without looking funny. It seemed in my town that people did what you expected them to do. So boys wore T-shirts and jeans and sneakers. I can't even remember anyone who did otherwise, although I suppose it's possible. I know my brother wasn't the type to choose otherwise. My father seemed hardly aware of these practicalities. He wanted us to see the magic. Like the magic I saw in the music box. If only that same magic could be seen in that shirt. It was probably easier for me because I really wanted to believe.

While my father was a romantic, he also had a terrible temper. He was a violent man. My youngest brother got the worst of it. It seemed to me that he could and would kill my brother one day. His anger was out of control.

An example of my father's rage happened one time when my brothers and I were running around the house playing some type of game of chase or something. I knocked over an aquarium that was sitting in the formal living room. Our house was a two-story house with a basement. The lower level had a family room, kitchen, formal living room, and a dining room. In the middle was a staircase going upstairs, so it was perfect for children to run around in a circle. The aquarium I knocked over was small. It was about twelve inches high and held small rocks, a fake plant, and a tiny frog. As far as I know, there was nothing particularly special about this aquarium. Maybe [it was] some kind of decoration, although it never occurred to me to ask who brought it home or who picked it out. It's conceivable the aquarium had some special meaning and I just didn't know about it.

My father got home from work that day and just about killed my younger brother. I remember hearing the sounds of a beating and my father screaming. Guttural sounds. Immense terror filled my heart. I ran as fast as I could to my brother's room upstairs, where the sounds were. In the room, my brother was lying on his back on his bed with his arms up, trying to protect himself from the punches. His face contorted with fear and he looked red all over. Mostly I saw cowering and terror. He was only seven or eight years old. Standing over him was my father, who was swinging with what appeared to be all his strength. He punched and punched, and from my point of view, he was deliberate with the punches only in the purpose of connecting. He wanted to hurt him.

I howled and jumped onto my father's back. I wrapped my arms around his arms so that he could no longer swing so easily. I was not looking anywhere but focusing my whole being on preventing those arms from swinging again. I closed my eyes to garner every bit of strength inside me.

To my surprise, my father stopped swinging. His arms fell, his head dropped, and he stopped. I slid off him because he had stopped. He turned away from me and walked out of the room.

Odd how the scene changed. One moment my brother and I had our eyes focused on my father and his wild swinging, and a second later my father had left the room and I was looking at my brother. [It was as if] a tornado had swept through the room. There one moment, gone the next.

My brother was still lying on the bed. Sobbing. Fear and terror slowly evaporating into a scene of grief and shame. Our heads faced downward, and we were unwilling to meet each other's eyes.

I, too, left the room. I had to find my father. While his rage was ending, mine was building.

I headed down the hallway to pursue him. I felt a determination to make things right. I would find him and convince him he was not allowed to treat children like that. It wasn't normal. It wasn't right. It wasn't healthy and it wasn't good. There was nothing good about it and it had to stop.

Excerpted from 5 Survivors by Tracy Stecker, Ph.D. Stecker is a psychologist at the Dartmouth Psychiatric Research Center. She developed and published a protocol titled Using a Brief Intervention to Motivate Clients to Get Help in collaboration with Hazelden. Her focus is on treating veterans of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars returning with PTSD and/or substance abuse issues. Stecker's work with returning service members has been funded by the National Institute of Mental Health and the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism.


5 Survivors: Personal Stories of Healing from PTSD and Traumatic Events

Softcover, 192 pages

First-person accounts by five post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) survivors bring hope to the millions suffering from but not yet diagnosed with this affliction--and their loved ones.

Each year millions of people are afflicted by PTSD. Most struggle to simply make it through the day as sights, sounds, and smells bring their life's most harrowing experience front and center, to be relived again and again. And many are unaware of the root problem of these symptoms or are unwilling to admit one exists.

Through moving firsthand accounts, 5 Survivors sheds an intimate light on the impact of PTSD on three veterans of war, a survivor of Hurricane Katrina, and a victim of childhood sexual abuse. With courage and honesty, they tell their stories of trauma, revealing the struggles they faced later in life, and how they eventually worked toward positive change and healing.

With the guidance of PTSD expert and researcher Tracy Stecker, Ph.D., who outlines the symptoms and progress of each survivor, those living untreated with PTSD may see themselves in these stories, realize they are not alone, and take action to get help. Friends and family of those who have been greatly impacted by trauma will gain a more intimate understanding of a loved one's struggle and pain.

List Price: $14.95
Online Price: $13.45

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©2011 Hazelden Foundation