"When dad drinks, he becomes a different person. I get scared. What should I do?" asked Tim, 14.

"I never have friends over after school because I don't know if mom will be drunk. I would be so embarrassed," said Susan, 17.

Children who live with an alcoholic are affected by the alcoholics behavior. They often experience anxiety, anger, denial, broken promises, neglect, and physical, emotional or sexual abuse.

Alcoholism is a family disease -- a disease of relationships, write the authors of Alateen: Hope for Children of Alcoholics. The people involved with the alcoholic learn to react to his/her behavior. Much of the child's time is spent trying to figure out ways of changing the alcoholic, but nothing works.

Children of alcoholics can survive and grow by building on their strengths, changing their attitudes, being kind to the alcoholic, and learning to detach from their loved ones problem. That's where Alateen, a fellowship of young people whose lives have been affected by a loved ones alcoholism, can help.

"At Alateen meetings we focus on the solution and not the problem," said Bill, a Minneapolis Alateen sponsor. "We don't try to fix people. No one tells the young people what to do. Each person talks about their own experiences and learns how to make their own decisions. They learn they cant control or cure the persons alcoholism. Alateen provides the tools to help young people take care of themselves emotionally."

Alateen is Al-Anon for young people. Like Al-Anon, a mutual-help support group for adult family members and friends of alcoholics, Alateen uses an adapted version of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous as a guide to living. Meetings are held once a week and last an hour or more. Alateen members range in age from 11 to 19, and they run their own meetings, with assistance from a sponsor from Al-Anon.

Most meetings begin with introductions by first name only and a reading from Alateen -- A Day at a Time, a book of meditations for children of alcoholics. A modified version of AA's Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions is read, followed by an indepth discussion of a step, slogan or topic. The group then breaks into small groups in which each teenager has an opportunity to talk about what is happening in his or her life; share their success stories, strength and hope; and tell how they are caring for themselves.

"Alateen is the one safe place where I can talk about everything," said Jeff, 15, an Alateen member. "I'm learning how to deal with my problems. At first I was scared to say no to my dad when he was drunk. I've learned how to take care of myself and I've learned I don't have to be a slave to my dad."

"Alateen helped me talk to other kids who understand what it's like to live in an alcoholic home," said Tim. "People care what's happening to you, and you hear other people's problems and their successes. We learn to help each other."

Sponsors Michael and Bill identify several key concepts for Alateen members:

• Anonymity is crucial; what you say stays in the group.
• Young people learn better ways to respond to life and the alcoholic.
• You're not alone in your experiences.
• Most young people think they are part of the alcoholics problem; this is not true.
• You cannot control another persons behavior; you are not responsible for the alcoholic.
• You learn to detach from the alcoholic. You can hate the disease of alcoholism, but still love the person who drinks.
• You learn to stop trying to fix other peoples problems.
• Your job is to accept and take responsibility for your own life.

Alateen groups meet in every state. For information on how to find an Alateen group near you, visit the Al-Anon/Alateen website or call their national headquarters at 1-800-344-2666.

--Published July 31, 2000