If you were asked to name one of life's greatest joys and challenges, many (maybe even most) of you would answer "children." The nurturance of children is an awesome responsibility that requires a seemingly bottomless emotional and physical reserve. While parenting is a tough enough job for those who share it, single parenting presents even greater challenges.

According to the U.S. Bureau of the Census in 1998, over one-fourth of American children live with one parent, and the majority of these children (84 percent) live with their mothers. Single mothers, like anyone else who juggles the often overwhelming responsibilities of life, are vulnerable to stress-related illnesses, addictions, and other unhealthy behaviors. In addition, many single moms must deal with economic hardships, fatigue, loneliness and depression. Many may have experienced an abusive marriage or a traumatic divorce. Although women are statistically less likely than men to abuse drugs, these pressures increase the risks for substance abuse. "It may be tempting to use drugs or alcohol to numb unpleasant feelings or reduce stress, but such measures only mask reality for a short time, and reliance on them can have devastating consequences," says Cynthia Orange, the author of Sing Your Own Song: A Guide for Single Moms.

Busy moms need to remember to mother themselves, Orange adds. "Self-care is one of the best prevention tools going. It's like damming a river for power production. When we take good care of ourselves, we create a reservoir of energy, patience and love that will be there when we need it."

Taking an art class or a relaxing bath, seeing a movie with a friend, and doing less and laughing more are just a few ways to take care of yourself. Sometimes self-care means asking for help when you need it. "Often just naming a pain or difficulty is a release because you give yourself permission to be less than perfect," says Orange. "Even Batman had to be Bruce Wayne once in a while, and when he was Batman, he still had his trusty sidekick Robin beside him to get him out of scrapes. You cant be super mom 24 hours a day, seven days a week either. You need to get some sidekicks in place."

Orange suggests making a list of people and organizations to call before a need arises. Your local United Way's First Call for Help, Parents Without Partners (800-637-7974), and the National Organization of Single Mothers (704-888-KIDS) are good resources. Also, your workplace, church, or your children's school might have some networking ideas.

Taking care of ourselves means understanding what we can and cannot control. In Alcoholics Anonymous parlance, this means accepting the things we cannot change, having the courage to change the things we can, and seeking the wisdom to know the difference -- the components of the Serenity Prayer. This understanding builds resilience, a quality that author Patricia O'Gorman defines as "the ability to align ourselves with our strengths and to recognize our personal power."

In her book Dancing Backwards in High Heels: How Women Master the Art of Resilience, O'Gorman writes that women don't realize how much they ask of themselves. She quotes former Texas Governor Ann Richards, who pointed out the irony that while Fred Astaire received top billing, his dancing partner Ginger Rogers did everything Astaire did. "She just did it backwards and in high heels."

Dancing backwards in high heels is a good metaphor for a single mother who pirouettes from home to job to school with a child on her hip and a to-do list in her hand. When you dance about like this, you're bound to trip once in a while, but a resilient single mother who has learned the art of self-care and self-awareness that Orange and O'Gorman describe, learns from her mistakes and moves on with grace and confidence. As recovering people can tell you, it's about progress, not perfection.

--Published March 12, 2001