Parents who want to prevent their children from drinking might well ask the question: "So many of their friends are using alcohol. Will what I say to them make a difference?"

The answer is yes. Research indicates that little or no use of alcohol is strongly associated with young people who perceive that their parents will be upset if they use alcohol. What's more, parents can teach responsible decision-making around alcohol through the most powerful means available: by example.

The following strategies can help parents communicate with their kids to promote clear no-use standards about drinking:

Clarify your own standards. Kay Provine, who helped develop a Hazelden parenting skills program called Roots & Wings: Raising Resilient Children, stresses this point. "Until the parents have really given it some thought and are clear about their own standards on alcohol use or non-use, its difficult for them to communicate with any credibility," said Provine. Pious suggestions that parents "talk to their kids" can miss the point unless they know what to say.

When it comes to kids under age 21, parents can set clear, firm standards. Those standards should reflect religious beliefs, personal values and family health issues. If parents are inconsistent with their message, they open up the possibility for kids to create their own standards.

Young people might object to a no-use standard by asking, "If it's not good for kids to drink, then why is it okay for anyone to drink?" Our answer can be simple: Adults can do many things that young people can't do, such as buying homes, voting, and driving cars. Drinking alcohol belongs on this list.

Communicate with attention. Parents can take advantage of "teachable moments"--times when children are perplexed about real-life situations regarding alcohol use. At these moments, parents need to talk and listen to their kids with quiet, undivided attention.

Explain the risks. It's essential to provide young people with two key facts. One, alcohol is a drug and it's potentially addicting. Two, underage drinking is illegal. Both are powerful arguments for abstinence.

The many potential negative consequences should also be pointed out. Discuss the strong correlation between underage drinking and fatal automobile accidents, teen pregnancy, crime and poor academic performance.

However, what really sinks in for young kids is how alcohol will hurt them today. So tell how alcohol impairs coordination and judgment; that it may lead to serious injury, that it will make them sick the next day. Tell them that drinking will impede athletic performance. Tell them the human brain is in peak development at their young age and that heavy drinking can hinder intellectual development.

Teach kids how to manage moods. When asked about why kids drink, parents often name external forces: lax supervision at school, families who let children take unreasonable risks with alcohol, peer pressure. But according to David J. Wilmes, author of Parenting for Prevention (Hazelden/Johnson Institute, $15), those external factors may be overrated. Kids themselves often name internal factors--the desire to experiment with something new, to take risks, and to "see how I'd feel."

By helping kids learn to manage moods, parents prevent dangerous risk-taking. One option is to explain a three-step procedure for handling feelings.

First, name the feeling--"worry," "stress," or "boredom."

Second, decide ahead of time what to do when your child has an unpleasant feeling. Help kids create a list of enjoyable activities, such as jogging, calling a friend, and reading, to defuse feelings without drinking.

Third, practice refusing alcohol. Instead of offering vague advice to "just say no," do some role playing. Parents can pretend they are someone who offers their kids a drink, then ask the kids how they'd respond. Help them decide exactly what to do and say.

When parents guide their kids through this cycle of naming, deciding and practicing, they give them a powerful tool for managing mood--and staying clean and sober.

We've posted the content to the Hazelden pamphlet Talking With Kids About Alcohol & Drugs online or you can obtain the printed pamphlet free by calling call 1-800-257-7810.

--Published August 30, 1999