As a child, Joan recalls Christmas was a very special time of year, full of peace and gratitude. It was a time of religious celebration. It was a time of giving and receiving, a time of happiness for everyone in her family.

"I can't remember ever having had a bad Christmas," she said.

But the bliss of Christmases of old became just a blur to Joan years later, after she married Sam. Their first few years together, before starting a family, seemed to go well. They had active social lives, and both enjoyed drinking and socializing with friends. But as Joan tapered her drinking and became more focused on raising a family, Sam drifted the other way. His drinking escalated in social situations, and he often drank to excess at home.

Joan excused away those first couple years of alcoholic behavior, thinking it was a way to cope with the demands of a stressful job and family life. But it became increasingly apparent that drinking was dominating Sam's life. He routinely put the bottle before Joan and their two young boys.

"What really opened my eyes was when his drinking destroyed our holidays," said Joan. "When I saw the fear and confusion in my boys' eyes -- how it ruined their Christmas -- I knew I couldn't take it anymore. The more he drank, the worse he treated us all. There were bouts of rage and verbal abuse. He would belittle me in front of our friends and family; it was embarrassing, very humiliating.

"I remember one Christmas Eve when my youngest son, Jim, who was six at the time, cried and cried," she continued. "He asked, 'Why does daddy yell so much? Why is he so angry? It's Christmas.'"

Joan's oldest son, Jason, grew to recognize alcohol as the true demon in their family. He lived in constant fear of his dad and his drinking. He was afraid to invite friends over, not knowing if his dad would be drunk and belligerent.

Joan did what she could to help her husband quit drinking. She and close relatives and friends attempted an intervention. Joan joined Al-Anon, the Twelve Step mutual-help support group for loved ones of alcoholics, to help her cope. Al-Anon clearly defined alcoholism as a "family disease," one that affects everyone close to the alcoholic. It taught her to do what she could to encourage her husband to get treatment. But it also taught her to detach with love and let him realize the consequences of his alcoholism.

After more than five years of his active alcoholism, Sam finally accepted the need for help and checked into a treatment center. He's been sober for three years now and has attended Alcoholics Anonymous meetings faithfully all that time. He says he's a new man-spiritually, mentally and physically.

Recovery for Sam and his family was truly a gift. It was a gift that restored life and rebuilt their family. No longer do their sons live in constant fear of their dad, and no longer does Joan live in terror.

"Now our holidays are joyous occasions, like the ones I remember from my youth," said Joan. "My boys have their dad back, I have my husband back. We have life again."

--Published December 18, 2000