Episode 124 -- June 21, 2021

Understanding Trauma and Anger: Setting Boundaries

Shock Waves: A Practical Guide to Living with a Loved One's PTSD by Cynthia Orange offers guidance on learning to live with the challenges and scars of trauma and the rippling, "shock wave," effects of PTSD that extend throughout a family system. It includes stories of pain and trauma, hope and healing. The book discusses not only the criteria for a PTSD diagnosis but what the person with PTSD and their friends and family might be feeling and experiencing, including substance use disorders and co-occurring disorders.

Anyone in recovery who has been touched by trauma, whether your own or that of a loved one, can benefit from the questions and exercises Orange provides—they help us apply the lessons of this book into our daily lives.

In this excerpt, Orange examines how anger and uncomfortable feelings can sprout from trauma. We discover how to create boundaries and protect ourselves from toxic people and environments, steps which are essential for a healthy recovery.

This excerpt has been edited for brevity.

Trauma and Anger
As the National Center for PTSD points out on its website, anger is often a central feature of a response to trauma because it is a core component of the survival response in humans. Anger helps us cope with life's difficulties by providing us with increased energy to persist in the face of obstacles. However, unmanaged or stifled anger can lead to a continued sense of being out of control, creating multiple problems in the lives of trauma survivors and those who love them.

Uncovering Uncomfortable Feelings
Although our feelings may seem to pounce from shadows and catch us unaware, our bodies can give us clues about tumultuous emotions—even if our minds are numb to them. Pay attention to that lump in your throat, your sweaty palms, your tense and aching shoulders, the knot in your stomach, the headache, or your racing heart. Remove yourself from an atmosphere of tension and go someplace where you can breathe deeply into the bodily sensation. Try to sit quietly or take a calm walk. Try to identify the corresponding emotion.

Hit your emotional "pause" button if you sense anger rising to the surface, and recall the previous discussion about cognitive distortions. Ask yourself, "What's the story behind the story?" Are you really angry with the rude clerk, or are you frustrated about something that happened with your loved one? Are you really that angry because your child didn't do their homework, or are you overcome and exhausted at having to handle so many responsibilities? Is your anger linked to a sense of helplessness or hopelessness? What's the deeper story?

A former firefighter told me that first responders use the acronym H.O.T. (Hazardous Overload of Thoughts) as a way to describe what happens when the "emotional backdraft" from pent-up and ongoing trauma gets to be too much. This buildup of unexpressed feelings occurs among family and friends of trauma survivors too. Pay close attention to what's going on in your body. Is your emotional thermometer running too H.O.T.?

Before your anger explodes into rage or implodes into self-loathing, stop and try to complete the sentence, "I feel __________________."

Sometimes it helps to name a feeling in writing and keep your pen to the paper, not stopping to edit yourself or your feelings. Identifying your feelings to yourself in this way is like extracting venom from a snakebite. You may still have to salve the wound, but it is no longer toxic. Some experts suggest limiting the amount of time you sit with your feelings. They also caution against doing too much self-examination of this sort at bedtime because it can interfere with much-needed sleep.

Releasing emotion through writing or through something physical like walking, running, breathing deeply, or getting a massage, also relieves the tension that is stored with the feeling. Once you have calmed your body and your emotions, you are better able to express them to a friend or your loved one without rage or blame.

With time and practice, you will be able to greet the beginning of a feeling like anger as a familiar visitor. "Oh, there you are again. What are you hiding behind your back this time?"

Protecting Yourself from Another's Toxicity
When you are the primary support for a traumatized loved one, you deserve to be supported genuinely and loved unconditionally. You deserve to be listened to and treated respectfully—just as others deserve to be treated respectfully by you.

There is support, and there is sabotage, however. A supportive friend does not try to talk you out of your feelings or insinuate that you or your loved one should just move on or "get over" a traumatic experience. In fact, a truly supportive friend will not suggest what you should or should not do or feel in any circumstance.

If you are feeling uncertain about whether a particular friend is helping or hindering your own healing in the wake of your loved one's trauma, ask yourself if your friend listens without defining or judging who you are and what your problem is. In what ways do you feel accepted? In what ways do you feel judged? It's fine for a trusted friend to ask for clarification or urge you to go deeper into a feeling or reaction. It's not helpful, however, for a friend to attack or challenge your feelings in a way that feels more like combat than support.

When warning bells go off in your mind or body during a conversation with a supposedly supportive friend, you may need to take a break from the relationship—at least until you are feeling less vulnerable or not so emotionally and physically exhausted. If you choose, you can thank the friend for their concern, but simply explain that you don't care to talk about the situation. There is no need to blame, punish, or lecture. If your friendship was a close one and you want to say more, remember to use "I" language and take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Things get a little trickier when your loved one is the one spewing venom and you find yourself in the line of fire. Trauma symptoms and PTSD are no excuse for your loved one to abuse, mistreat, threaten, or endanger you or your family. Leave the house immediately if you sense you or your children are in danger, and call for backup from the police, a crisis center, a neighbor, or a friend, depending on the severity of the situation.

In calmer times, try to develop some prevention strategies with your loved one so things don't escalate to a dangerous level. You might want to ask your loved one what helps and what doesn't help when he or she is feeling emotionally out of control.

About the Author:
Cynthia Orange is a writer, editor, creative writing instructor, and writing consultant who has authored five booklets for Hazelden and co-authored the best-selling meditation book Today's Gift. She has published over 450 articles, columns, and guest editorials, including several award winners. She lives in West Saint Paul, Minnesota.

© 2010 by Cynthia Orange
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