Episode 225 -- June 16, 2022

Gifts in Disguise

Even in recovery, we can struggle with patterns that harm other people and cause us pain. Just like giving up drugs or alcohol, letting go of other destructive patterns can feel frightening. We often feel safer doing what is familiar. Our patterns may even act as defenses that help us survive in the world.

In her book A Woman's Way Through the Twelve Steps, Dr. Stephanie Covington guides readers through the Twelve Step journey through the lens of women's perspective—including her own recovery story. In this excerpt, Covington notes that seeing our patterns doesn't make them change. To do that we need to learn how to let them go.

To start the process of changing our patterns, we must overcome the fear that keeps us stuck. This requires an honest look inside ourselves. As we become more self-aware, all we need is the willingness to try something new. Covington also explains how imperfections are a part of being human; even some of our flaws can become gifts that help us grow.

This excerpt has been edited for brevity.

TURNING INWARD

All of us want to change patterns that harm other people and cause us pain. But seeing our patterns and doing something about them are two very different things. Most of us discover that a pattern doesn't change just because we can see it. We also must be willing to surrender it, to become entirely ready to let it go. When we do, we find a Power greater than ourselves helping us.

FEAR OF LETTING GO
As we work with each pattern or behavior, we may discover that giving it up is a lot like giving up alcohol, drugs, or anything else we've done compulsively. First we become aware of what we're doing; then we gradually begin to consider giving it up. Most of us know that our drinking or using is harmful to us long before we're able to stop. Fear is often the obstacle to our letting go.

I continued to drink even though I sensed I had a problem. Before I could let go, I had to live with an awareness of my problem that made me ready for change. Drinking became less and less "fun" as I continued to be aware of my negative experiences. After a while I realized that drinking was causing serious difficulties, but the idea of going without a drink terrified me. At this point, I recognized my powerlessness: I saw how little control I had over alcohol and how it ruled my life. The day finally came when I was ready to change, ready to try something— anything!—different.

Just as I was afraid of giving up alcohol, I have often been frightened and anxious about letting go of other destructive patterns. I can see now, from my own experience and from hearing the stories of other recovering women, that there are good reasons we don't want to let go.

It seems like a contradiction, but most of us hang onto the patterns and behaviors that cause us the most pain. That's because we feel safer doing what is familiar. In fact, our patterns have helped us to survive and get along in the world. They're defenses that have protected us well when we needed protection. For instance, rage might keep us from feeling depressed and helpless. Or if we are people-pleasers or caretakers, we may be so concerned with others that we don't ever notice how desperately unhappy we are. We create patterns like these to insulate ourselves from pain.

We will have less need for our defenses and for this kind of "protection" as we grow stronger. Our sense of security increases as we develop a supportive group of people around us and a spiritual connection with a Higher Power.

At first you will probably feel unsafe and unsure as you step outside of your old defenses. You may feel like a toddler standing up for the first time. If you feel disoriented or insecure at this stage, you're in good company. All of us have felt that way at one time or another as we learn to let go of our old, familiar ways.

AWARENESS BEFORE ACTION
Many times we may become aware of a pattern long before we're ready to let it go. This can be one of our greatest challenges.

It's common to have a love-hate relationship with our awareness. At first it can be a great relief to finally become aware of our underlying motives or patterns. It's like a light going on—that "aha!" kind of feeling. With a new awareness comes a fresh sense of hopefulness: we can change. That hope can quickly wane, however, if we realize that we're not yet ready to act on our new insight.

For instance, you might be newly aware that you have a tendency to work too much. Then, as the days go by, you watch yourself take on one more project even though you don't want to. Sound familiar? It's very much like watching yourself eat half a chocolate cake or snort an eighth of a gram of coke or have sex with a stranger when you swore you'd never do it again. You have the awareness, but you're not yet able to stop. It can be a painful and humbling experience.

A friend of mine once described how her infant daughter would get cranky just before she mastered a new physical ability such as sitting up or walking. Her baby went through periods of intense fussing and crying that ended suddenly once she started sitting, standing, or walking. "It seems she knows what she wants to do but she can't do it yet," my friend explained. "So she gets very frustrated. Mad as hell, really."

Like this child, we're bound to get cranky and "as mad as hell" when we know what we want to do but can't quite do it yet. It can be frustrating when we continue to work too much or tell lies or fly into a rage—after we've identified these as patterns or defects we'd like to change.

GIFTS IN DISGUISE
Life will provide us with opportunities to experience our patterns and decide if we're ready to give them up. It's a running joke in Twelve Step circles that life doesn't bring us problems or traumas or catastrophes—it brings us "growth opportunities." These can be gifts in disguise.

Shannon, who struggled with a pattern of compulsive lying, found that going to AA meetings gave her added motivation to be dishonest. While drinking, she lied to keep herself out of trouble. In meetings, she found herself telling lies to get attention and sympathy.

Shannon eventually realized that lying was a defense against her feelings of insecurity. She felt out of her element in AA and didn't know how to impress this new group of people; so she made up stories and exaggerated the truth. When she asked herself how this pattern protected her, she saw that it gave her a sense of safety. She had created a "false self" that she believed was more acceptable to other people than her real self.

For Shannon, becoming "entirely ready" to give up lying meant risking that people wouldn't like her if she was herself. She had to be willing to risk that rejection. Over a period of several months, and many more episodes of lying and feeling terrible about it, she was able to give it up.

Shannon had to compare how she felt telling a lie and telling the truth, falling into her old behavior or trying something new. Once she got over her initial anxiety, she discovered that it was easier to be honest and to let others see her as she really was.

About the Author:
Stephanie S. Covington, PhD, LCSW, is a nationally recognized clinician, author, organizational consultant, and lecturer. A pioneer in the field of women's issues and addiction and recovery for many years, she has developed an innovative, gender-responsive approach to address the treatment needs of women and girls that results in effective services in public, private, and institutional settings. Her clients include treatment and correctional settings.

© 1994 by Stephanie S. Covington, PhD
All rights reserved