Episode 105 -- April 15, 2021

Finding Abundance in Financial Recovery

Those of us in recovery often have had fraught relationships with money. In fact, we know that to do AA's Step Nine—to make direct amends to people we have harmed wherever possible—we have had to contact creditors or people we've borrowed money from but never repaid. What happens next? What do we need to look out for? What can hurt us more? How do we have a healthy relationship with money? How can we be as authentic in our finances as we are in our recovery?

In her book Spent, psychologist Sally Palaian discusses how our relationships with money can become problematic and even addictive. She explores the underlying emotional, familial, and societal factors that can trigger spending behaviors and then offers solutions for untangling ourselves from those problems and achieving financial recovery

Whether we're compulsive spenders, hoarders, financial codependents, or financial underachievers, the tips and strategies in this system of financial recovery can help us change our behavior and our thinking about money. In this excerpt, Palaian outlines the signs of financial health, describes how cleaning up our finances can lead to an expanded sense of abundance, and explains how learning to be flexible and trusting is key to our inner peace when we're in recovery from money problems. This expert advice can help us not only develop a healthier relationship with money but also find greater spiritual, emotional, and mental health.

This excerpt has been edited for brevity.

Signs of Financial Health

If you know people who are in remission from cancer, you know that they live with a continuous concern that the cancer may still be there. It can be this way for a person who is in recovery from money problems or a true money addiction; it is hard to know when you are really financially healthy. But just as there are warning signs of relapse, there are telltale signs of health. Here's how you know you are on your way to a healthy relationship with money:

• You no longer keep money secrets.
• You use your spending plan to guide your spending.
• You can pay your bills without credit cards.
• You easily track your earning, spending, and saving.
• You allow others to help you with financial concerns that you don't understand.
• You feel you are being paid well for your livelihood.
• Your self-esteem doesn't come from your bank account.
• You are content and enjoy your possessions.
• You understand where your trouble spots are and attempt to counteract them.
• You don't fight or argue about money with your spouse or partner.
• You can give generously to others—or not give, if you don't feel the need or don't have the money.
• You have clarity about your own values, not those of your parents, partner, or the culture.
• You have hobbies that bring you pleasure.
• You have the ability to maintain healthy money behaviors even in times of stress.

The Sense of Abundance

One of the wonderful things about financial recovery is that as you receive the benefits of material abundance, you experience an abundant state of mind. In other words, cleaning up your finances also gives you the added benefits of psychological, emotional, and spiritual recovery. You learn to trust that there is enough for you to have a good life. You also learn that you yourself are enough. For people recovering from money problems, abundance is having the ability to live your life in balance, with flexibility and trust, and in accordance with your authentic values. Abundance is connection to yourself, to your loved ones, to the world around you, because there is no purpose to earning, spending, or saving money if you can't connect to all there is in life. Abundance is discovering your own true worth and purpose. There is no purpose to your life if you can't find some aspect of life that you love more than your bank account, your trimmed lawn, or your car.

Both people who indulge in material things (indulgers) and those who deprive themselves of those things (deprivers) have unique ways of experiencing abundance, and they have their own growth challenges in recovery. Abundance is the opposite of deprivation and scarcity. So recovery for a depriver requires opening up the channels of material abundance. This is frightening for deprivers, who feel safest while clutching onto the status quo. Deprivers learn to loosen the grip and allow possibilities to expand.

Indulgers, meanwhile, learn to expand the definition of abundance to include nonmaterial outlets. Once unable to experience satisfaction and worth when away from owning or buying things, indulgers find abundance in seeing themselves as whole without these things.

The world is an abundantly gracious place. It is infinitely friendly, grand, and interesting. Our planet is life-giving, vast, and diverse. Scientists tell us that it provides enough food to feed us all, enough trees and mud to house us all. Nature teaches us about death and rebirth. We are a part of this life-giving process, always teeming with possibility, both creation and destruction.

Flexibility and Trust
In recovery, you learn to be flexible and to trust. This is especially important for people who have struggled with money problems, because financial circumstances constantly change. Sometimes things happen in life that cost extra money; sometimes opportunities come our way. Life is constantly filled with ups and downs. Abundance is being able to flex and flow with these changes without a disruption to your inner peace. The winds can shift direction at any time, so it's best not to become too attached to financial gains or losses. The goal is not rigid perfection; it is to become adaptable to changes.

You may take many forward steps and then backslide. This is natural, so you get back up and try again. When you live an abundant life, you understand that you have only some control over things in your life; you cannot fully control money, so you shouldn't hold on too tightly. Trust is the key. The economy goes up: your serenity and trust remains the same. The stock market and your investments take a dip: you stay steady. Applications for higher-paying jobs yield no returns: you keep trying.

Abundance, like life, gets off course at times, and you are able to accept this as a normal part of a growth process. Regardless of the bumps and distractions, you feel secure and confident of the forward movement.

Emotional Authenticity
You cannot live richly and well unless you know who you are and what makes you happy. There's really no benefit to having material wealth if you do not know how to use it. In early recovery, you began to clarify some of your goals and values. Now it's time to discover your own feelings and beliefs—the ones that make you unique. What excites you? What saddens you? What frustrates you? What brings you hope? What emotions do you feel most often? What do you love more than anything in the world? What special qualities make you the person you are?

You may not be a famous movie star or a trendsetter, yet there is a rich purpose living inside you. There are things inside you that only you feel. There are things in the world that only you can see. What parts of life do you see and feel that no one else can see or feel?

Abundance is having an unflinching dedication to your own unique essence. If you want recovery from money problems, you must discover who you are, and you must remain committed to that journey, wherever it takes you. Probably it will wind around many twists and turns. Hang on; it has more to offer you than any shopping mall ever could.

So look around and see what makes you purr. Ultimately we only find rest when we experience our own inner essence. Connecting to your heart and your love, your mind and your ideas, your body and its movements will bring you the inner security that you are looking for. Recovery offers you the confidence to be yourself and live your path the way no one else can.

About the Author:
Sally Palaian, PhD, is a clinical psychologist specializing in the treatment of addictive behaviors. Drawing from both her professional experience and her personal experience of growing up in a financially dysfunctional home, she developed many practical money-management techniques and tools. She has inspired countless individuals and couples to turn dreams into reality by making necessary lifestyle and financial decisions. She has served as an expert in the media on mental disorders and spending, most recently for MSN Money. Spent is her first book.

© 2009 by Sally Palaian
All rights reserved