Episode 181 -- January 6, 2022

Five Steps for Finding a Fresh Perspective

Before recovery, we may have often bumped heads with our loved ones. We felt entitled to our opinions as well as our substance use. We sometimes wondered how our actions were affecting our relationships, but our addictive thinking would overrule anyone else's viewpoints. Now sober, we can start to understand others' perceptions more clearly, as well as our own. We might still bump heads and have our own opinions, but we're opening ourselves up to a new way of thinking that can help us re-educate ourselves in recovery.

In her book Fearless Relationships: Simple Rules for Lifelong Contentment, Karen Casey offers guidance about what can help or hinder our relationships. Casey lays out simple rules that can support us in our personal growth and strengthen our connection with other people.

The following excerpt explains one of these rules: learning how to understand every situation from a fresh perspective. Being open-minded can grant opportunities, expand our knowledge, and help us to stand our ground more soundly. Casey shares how embracing a new perspective supported her in early recovery. When things are new—our recovery, the beginning of the year, the start of a job or relationship—we often vow to change our habits and improve our daily life. This time, let's try a new way of thinking—the benefits could pour into other aspects of our lives.

This excerpt has been edited for brevity.

What does it mean to seek to understand every situation from a fresh perspective? It's quite simple, really. In any encounter with another person, there are two perspectives or viewpoints being expressed: yours and the other person's. These differing viewpoints aren't necessarily problematic in every instance. Two people may simply be having a conversation to pass the time and they feel no need for agreement. But when the conversation is about a situation that needs a resolution or reflects opposing opinions on a topic that is near and dear to both parties, tension often arises, and acknowledging the dissimilar perspectives becomes necessary.

It's at this point that seeking to understand, or allowing for, a different perspective or perception is beneficial. This does not mean you have to embrace the other perspective as your own, but letting your adversary continue to have their opinion without allowing it to destroy your day or your relationship is both respectful and healthy.

Being able to live comfortably in a world which expresses thousands of heartfelt perspectives is becoming far more important with the passage of time and the clashing of cultures.

Because of our instant access to news around the world, we are bombarded by constant information and can hear contrasting perspectives on events that happen all over the globe. What we take away from this inundation of information is naturally what feeds the viewpoints we then so dearly cling to, and don't easily relinquish.

Deciding to switch perspectives, to exchange ours for one an adversary holds, does not mean we are weak or uncommitted to a particular set of values or philosophy. It may mean we allowed ourselves to be re-educated. Or perhaps we decided that the idea we were hanging on to didn't deserve our adherence any longer. For some of us, giving in to another perspective might mean that we made a choice to be peaceful rather than tense.

I consciously chose to walk away from an argument rather than fight for an opinion that I knew really didn't matter in the larger picture of my life. Until that time, I had not actually appreciated that I could make this choice. I had been fighting with other adults my entire life. As the third child in a family of four kids, I had fought everyone's battles, including my mom's, against my domineering, angry dad far into adulthood. This pattern of behavior was constant.

As adults, we generally carry into all other relationships those behaviors we mastered in our families of origin. My argumentative nature went with me into my first marriage. My husband and I didn't quarrel constantly, but we disagreed often and I became a master at using silence or passive aggression, coupled with long-held resentment, to make my point when words couldn't. Either way, the outcome was the same: no resolution and certainly no peace. For twelve years our lives were tension-filled and our minds, on myriad issues, remained unchanged. Our relationship brought little comfort to either of us. Naturally, it ended. Neither of us was willing or able to shift our perspective on the meaningful issues in our lives, nor were we ever willing to choose peace over the insistence that we were right.

And then, in 1975, my life dramatically changed. Through a series of significant, and not coincidental, interactions with friends and colleagues, I ended up at a Twelve Step recovery meeting, and my worldview began to change. I had never planned on changing my life or my outlook in such specific ways, but the ideas being exchanged in this circle of people immediately captured my imagination.

At my first Twelve Step meeting, in the basement of the Unitarian church in southeast Minneapolis, I was introduced to the idea that I didn't have to react, in any way, to the behaviors or the opinions of others. I had never considered not reacting as a viable alternative to reacting. Throughout my entire life, I had been intent on being heard, being understood, and being right!

Yet there I sat, listening to a group of happy people sharing their experiences, strengths, and hopes, and it was evident that they were making clear choices based on their specific needs. The results of their choices were thoughtful actions, never the hasty, angry reactions that were so typical of my behavior.

I knew the wisdom of what they were saying, and I knew I was familiar with the underlying idea, but I just couldn't recall where I had heard it before. I left my first meeting eager to know more about the set of beliefs that seemed to make these people so happy. I was truly astounded to realize that there was another way to live and that it was possible to let others have whatever idea or perspective made them happy. Furthermore, I could still keep my own perspectives if they continued to bring me happiness.

Following this rule, seek to understand every situation from a fresh perspective, will eliminate most of the disagreements that surface in our lives. Our disagreements are often rooted in past hurts. Deciding to let go of past hurts is what this rule is all about.

Touch Points

1. When in conversation today, quiet your own mind, completely. This response will not come naturally.
2. Next, focus intently on every word the other person is saying. When your mind wanders, bring it back.
3. Then listen with your heart.
4. In your heart, change places with the other speaker. Be him or her for a moment. How does it feel?
5. Ask yourself, is my perspective more important than my peace of mind?

About the Author:
Karen Casey is the best-selling author of Each Day a New Beginning, Daily Meditations for Practicing the Course, Keepers of the Wisdom, and numerous other books. She has also written two books for girls: Girls Only! and Girl to Girl. Her signature book, Each Day a New Beginning, has sold three million copies. Karen enjoys golfing and riding her Harley with her husband. She lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and Naples, Florida.

© 2003 by Karen Casey
All rights reserved